i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
