I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
