Betty ford says i'm here all night
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
