i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
