Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
