I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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