I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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