Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
