I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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