Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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