If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
