Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
