stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
