I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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