dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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