When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
