Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
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I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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