Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
