she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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