Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is Oprah even human
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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