that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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