dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
