Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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