I hate all girls vehemently.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
