How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
