we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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