i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
