all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
