Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
