Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
