I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
