A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
