Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
