How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
