I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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