Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
