there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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