Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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