Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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