Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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