this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
