he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
