I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
