I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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