how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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