I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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