Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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