I feel like abortions should bother me more
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
