God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
