Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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