Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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