my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm passing your future prison.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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