There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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