I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
