hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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