There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
