I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
