The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
