Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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