Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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