and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
