Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
