Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We talked him into tasing himself.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
