To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
