My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
